Caring for Aging Parents

It is hard to watchyour parents get older. Taking an active role caring for someone who used to care for you is a foreign and sometimes uncomfortable feeling. As populations continue to age, it is important for adult children to learn how to handle their aging parents’ needs.

For numerous reasons, including longer life expectancies and an increase in the prevalence of Alzheimer’s and other costly diseases, the financial costs associated with aging have risen significantly.

Whether it is attributed to mere stubbornness or a deeply ingrained attitude that personal finance issues are private, your aging parent may be reluctant to give up the reins to you. Further, it can get increasingly more difficult to begin managing your parent’s financial and health related needs as their physical and mental faculties decline.

So, how can you begin to prepare yourself to care for your aging parent(s)?
 

Start the conversation early

With your life being busy and your elderly parents still seeming fully able, you may feel like the conversation isn’t warranted yet. It is also human nature to generally avoid conversations about aging and death - especially when it is about a loved one. Although it can feel pre-emptive or uncomfortable, my advice to you is to start the conversation early to address several logistical matters before it’s too late.

By doing this, you are making your life easier when it comes time to step up and ensuring that your parent’s wishes are respected as they enter old age. Creating a mutual dialogue will cultivate trust and give your parent’s reassurance that they are being heard throughout the process. While your parents are still in good health, ensure that the basics of estate planning are sorted.  Here are some examples of questions you can ask your aging parent to get the ball rolling:

• Is your Will updated? (If not, ensure it gets updated)

• Who is your Power of Attorney? (If no one, discuss designating yourself or another trusted friend/family member)

• Where/what are the account numbers for the estate? Passwords?

• What is your pension worth? Is any additional financial assistance required?

• Would you like to live in a retirement home, at home, or another alternative?

Once these basic logistical questions are hopefully in order, how do you know when the right time is to step in?

 
Watch for warning signs

If you begin to notice changes in your elderly parent’s behavior, don’t ignore the signs. For example, if their mail is piling up, there are new scratches on their car, or their house is consistently more messy than usual – these could all be signs indicating that it may be time for you to intervene.

If you don’t live close to your parents, there are still some warning signs of mental and physical decline that you can be aware of. If you notice your parent is becoming increasingly forgetful when speaking to you on the phone, or they seem to be repeating themselves numerous times, these could also be indications. Additionally, it is advised that you make a connection with a close friend or a neighbor of your parent, so that they can also alert you if they begin to notice concerning or erratic behavior.

 
Be transparent

If you are the power of attorney or have assumed the role of main caregiver for your parents, keep an open and honest line of communication with your parents, siblings or other family members throughout the whole process. Transparency helps to avoid the potential for family conflict.

Dr. Robert Kane, M.D. and author of The Good Caregiver, discusses the importance of maintaining full transparency with your aging parents to ensure that they remain ‘in the loop’ and that you avoid infantilizing them. “Dealing with a stubborn parent is not the same as dealing with a stubborn child. Older people should be autonomous”.

Relatedly, ensure that your personal finances are kept entirely separate from that of your parents. Overlap or confusion with accounts can develop uncertainty or distrust between you and your siblings.

 
Ask for Help

You should reach out to your parent’s financial advisor if they have one. Even if you seem to have open communication with your parents regarding their finances, it is likely that you still don’t have the full picture. Their advisor can help you understand their financial situation and assist with the estate planning process. If you need advice, we’re also always here to help.

Further, if it is appropriate, explore the option of discretionary managed accounts with your parents. With this type of arrangement, guildelines and expectations are established with your financial advisor regarding how your money is to be invested - what level of risk are you willing to assume, what is your investment time horizon, etc. Permission is then given to the wealth advisor to manage your accounts while adhering to the discussed requirements. This ensures that any risky or irrational behavior from your parent does not harm their finances. It also relieves some of the pressure placed on you and your family members in the event that your parent falls ill or passes away.

In regards to the day-to-day caregiving responsibilities, it is entirely reasonable to employ help if you need assistance juggling daily tasks such as grocery shopping, laundry, and yard work.

Beyond seeking support with financial management and daily tasks, ensure that you seek emotional support if you need it, as well. Lean on other family members and friends. Just as your parents need someone to care for them, you also need someone to look out for you.
 

Know your limits & take care of yourself.

Many people put enormous amounts of pressure on themselves to ensure that all demands from their aging parents are met. Understanding that it is impossible to handle everything on your own is crucial for your own happiness, your relationship with your parents, and the sustainability of your caregiving duties.

Your sanity and wellbeing should not be are not sacrificed for the sake of caregiving. Remember to not be too hard on yourself if your best efforts don’t seem to be good enough.
 

So remember: be proactive with creating a plan, remain alert to the early warning signs of your parent’s mental or physical decline, be transparent and communicative, and embrace help from others. Keeping all of these things in mind are the keys to taking care of your aging parents and yourself.